I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
