He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
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