I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
