I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
