ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Randomize