I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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