i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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