I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
