Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Randomize
