my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
