That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
