i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
