I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
