alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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