I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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