drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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