I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
