if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
