is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
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