Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
