my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
