I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
we made out on top of his cat.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Randomize
