apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
