please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
