Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
