I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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