I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
two words: eviction party
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
