dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
