Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
