gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
