worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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