Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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