Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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