my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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