even my farts smell like vagina
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize