Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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