I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
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