I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
a search helicopter?!
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
