On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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