You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
