I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I need to sanitize my soul.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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