I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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