Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
