Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
