The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
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