im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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