Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
