you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Randomize
