you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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