I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
