Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
