Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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