i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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