My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
not ubering you a puppy
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
