the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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